🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.