This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
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Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
A man of commitment.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Cinematography is my passion
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.