I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
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Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Never ghost your hitman.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.