Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
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*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.