I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
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you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Pickled cat.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.