Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
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“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed