I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.