Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
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I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.