I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
You Might Also Like
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener