my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
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Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!