Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
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[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”