Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
bugs when you lift up a rock
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood