An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
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[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs