Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.