Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
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Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.