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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
People buying plungers never look happy.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.