Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
You Might Also Like
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
*jingles half the way*
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.