I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
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Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills