I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you