Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
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Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.