It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.