the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
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A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.