So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge