All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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No way!
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Where is your GOD now????
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’