never compromise your values
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Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too