Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
You know…for fall…
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.