My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
You Might Also Like
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.