On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
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i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
eggs benadryl
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”