I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
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In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?