The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
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I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
how long have you had this for?
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Every time my phone rings
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”