holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Note to self: always read the final line
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
When libraries troll their patrons.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.