Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.