Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
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We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My boss called in sick of me
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving