I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there