You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
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Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom