Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
You Might Also Like
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”