My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
#milo
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Seems legit
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Print is alive and well!!!
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information