Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
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In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Y’all ready for this
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids