Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.