Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
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Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Tony Hawk, age 6
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?