Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
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Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
New favorite tiktok
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.