*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence