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think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.