ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
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5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
This makes total sense…
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)