Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
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{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
This is me
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips