My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.