There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare