Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
You Might Also Like
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
What personal space?
My dog
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.