Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
pat pat
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.