[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.